I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
