It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Randomize
