Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
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