Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
