i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Randomize
