I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Randomize
