Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
