Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
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