He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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