also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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