i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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