i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
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