I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
