I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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