Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Randomize
