I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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