What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
so much tequila, so little girl.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
