At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Randomize
