On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
You made out with two different species that night
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
