i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Randomize
