if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
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