Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
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