so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
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