my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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