Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
