I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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