sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Randomize
