she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Randomize
