Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Randomize
