i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
