Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
i would one night stand the shit outta him
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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