Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
so much tequila, so little girl.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Help. Why am I so naked?
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
