using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
