woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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