We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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