Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
