she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
as a side note pls kill me
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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