just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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