take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
