sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I stole a fireplace last night.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Randomize
