I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Randomize
