you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
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