I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
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