never play flip cup with pint glasses
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
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