I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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