i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
