Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Randomize
