I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
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