Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Randomize
