I must be too annoying 4 u.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
