He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
did i just pee glitter
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
