im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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