I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
