I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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