i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
