yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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