There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
